I mean, before a couple days ago I would not put myself in that camp, until a friend told me about this awesome website, assholeparents.com. Their definition is as follows:
“Have you ever suggested your child eat a broken granola bar? Have you ever barred your child from playing with power tools? Have you ever served your child a drink from the pink cup when they wanted blue? Then you, too, might be an asshole parent.”
As a parent of a toddler, I found so much comfort and solidarity in this compilation of pictures of little humans in the throes of meltdown captioned with a #assholeparents hashtag and a sentence describing the insane context for these fits, which only a parent would believe. I encourage any parent to check it out. For those of you who are not a fan of vulgar language, try to overlook the title, it’s worth it.
I had my own asshole parent moment a couple nights ago when I bought my child green tic-tacs at the grocery checkout like he enthusiastically requested, only for him to discover a few minutes later in the car that he really wanted orange tic-tacs. Can you believe I wouldn’t stop at another store for orange tic-tacs?:
This is such a trying part of parenting. It takes everything in me not to scream “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs when we’re 15 minutes into a blow out tantrum but I just do my best to breathe deep until the storm passes. Like most toddlers, my son is a sweet, creative, smart and loving little person about 85% of the time, so I guess we have to take the bad with the good. I’m not easy to love all the time, either.
Would you reclassify yourself as an asshole parent?
Some of my two year old’s favorite words or phrases. Our household will never say these things correctly again, so hopefully he will learn the right words from the rest of the world:
Pea-nucks – small legumes to be eaten by the truckload
Pluto – colorful, malleable dough to be squished and flattened and hid in a corner somewhere until it is a useless dry lump
Mingo – a large pink bird that stands on one leg
Hummee – a spread or dip made of chickpeas olive oil, garlic, and lemon to be consumes by itself with a spoon.
Digger trucks – 1. A very specific type of toy or life size piece of heavy equipment with a long arm that scoops or grasps things, i.e. excavator, power shovel 2. Any video of YouTube that my son wants to watch, sometimes involving heavy machinery.
Pa-mimi – “part of monkey”, more specifically, the pacifier part that used to be attached to a little stuffed monkey. The item we must have on hand at all times or risk a full meltdown.
Big giant man – the Iron Giant, a character from the 1990s cartoon movie with the same name. We talk a lot about the possible whereabouts of the big giant man.
Tractor Surprise – a beloved chain of ag stores that contain, in addition to many other things, lots of toy trucks
Do you have any adorable toddler sayings to share?
So there we were on a recent Friday evening, enjoying a rare, leisurely stroll through our local Trader Joe’s. Shopping there still feels like an urban adventure compared to the typical weeknight evening stop at our local Winn Dixie. It’s located in a part of town we don’t get to often (the nice part) but that evening we found ourselves in the general proximity so here we were, my two-year-old and I, cruising the aisles. We had as usual immediately hit the sample counter and now I was triying my best to simultaneously find the stuff on my list and explain for the hundredth time why we can’t have more samples (“But why, Mommy? Why?”). I found myself in an intense mental debate between the delish Mandarin Chicken and the healthier looking Chicken and Shiitake frozen meals when my son announced, “Mommy, I go pee-pee.” Normally this is not a problem because although we are well in the throes of potty training, he is usually in a diaper when I pick him up from his daycare for our long commute home. His caregiver was in a hurry though, and I forgot to double check and that’s how I ended up standing in a puddle of pee in the frozen foods aisle of Trader Joe’s. So… I’m thinking, do I A: abandon the pee puddle to look for an employee to notify and look like an asshole who takes no responsibility for her kid’s publicly spilled bodily fluids, B: stay in place and dutifully pass out packages of potstickers to other shoppers until a random grocery stocker walks by to assist, Or C: do I just start yelling, “Clean up on the frozen food aisle!” Considering it was prime evening shopping hours and all five employees working that night were manning their registers, I went with option “A” (“A” for asshole?) I said a silent prayer that no one would slip on my child’s urine and break a leg and made a bee-line for the weirdly tall TJ’s customer service counter that makes you feel like you’re approaching a judge’s bench. “Ummm…my son had an accident in front of the frozen Asian foods case.” The young man stared blankly at me and my wet-crotched child. Suddenly, the lightbulb came on and he asked, “Is this an accident that will require a mop?” I nodded, trying to look pitiful and repentant but he just flashed a smile and waved it off. I resisted the urge to forgo the last couple items on my list and just the hell out of the store as quickly as possible but I was NOT making another stop on my way home so we doubled back to produce. As we finally headed to the register, I peeked down frozen foods to see a spotless, dry floor. At almost 35, I’m at a point where it’s just not worth getting embarrassed or panicked anymore. After all, there’s no use crying over a little spilled pee.